I FEEL LIKE A BUOY.
Just the yesterday, I was at a girlfriends house in “The Valley,” which I guess I should mention I moved to LA a few months back, hence why I was in “The Valley.” Anyway, I was at a girlfriend’s house and after a glass, maybe two of wine we were all up in our feels. We got onto the topic of just how we were feeling at this point in time in our lives. She asked me to describe myself as an object. Now the fact that I didn't find this question odd should probably tell you what frame of mind I was in at the time but without a second passing, the first object that came to mind was…a buoy. As in the large metal, hollow, cylinder that sits in the great big ole ocean, alone and just bopping about.
I’m sitting here writing this wondering how it’s possible that I have taken what feels like millions of steps backwards in life. You see, I spent my first four years out of college living a life that I thought I was supposed to live. I then mustered up the courage to finally start living the life that I wanted to live. I packed my bags and flew from Minneapolis, MN to New York City. In the two years I spent in, what I now consider to be the best goddamn city on this planet, I became this woman who was empowered, confident, proud, stable, accomplished, happy. However, because I never seem to be able to sit in one place for long enough to feel settled I decided, LA was calling my name next. Now at the time it was mainly due to wanting to slow down a bit, get to better weather, maybe feel like a bigger fish in a smaller pond so-to-speak, I thought being back in the state where I grew up would finally make me feel like I was planting roots, etc. When I hoped off that plane at LAX, I had big city drive and was ready to blaze my path here. Man, am I desperately wishing that it was all a dream and that I’d wake up tomorrow morning at 212 E 29th St, in the city that I will always consider the best goddamn city on this planet.
Anyway, back to me feeling like a Buoy. For me that visual felt and still feels like the perfect representation of who I’ve been since moving to LA. I feel stuck floating alone, along a path that the oceans current dictates. I feel hollow and bland and unfortunately a slew of other extremely saddening descriptors. I don’t know why I’m sharing this, I do know it’s not for pity or attention it’s just a mere statement of how I feel at this point in my life. I don’t like being this vulnerable human. I’m Sha Goode, I’m strong and passionate and I’d like to think inspiring and motivating but instead I feel like a fucking buoy.
I’ve been trying to find ways that feel authentic to me to document my life again. When I was in NYC I started blogging as a way of putting pen to paper and of being open, honest, sometimes funny about what I was going through. When I moved to LA I kinda lost that desire to document what I was going through, because quite frankly I wasn't happy about any of it. In not sharing it though, I feel like I’ve let it ball up inside of me like the most tangled up knot of shoestrings you never use and as that knot gets tighter and tighter I feel like it’s cutting me off from who I used to be and desperately want to get back to. So if writing it down somewhere as public as it maybe be, helps to loosen things up a bit, then hell I’m gonna give it a go.
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